A Letter To My Son On His First Birthday

Sweet Dallas,

Last November, Mommy had our first year together all planned out.  When we would eat, sleep, play, work, etc.  It was going to be so perfect, because Mommy had thought of everything, and was really good at organizing stuff and making things happen by the sheer force of her will.

Then you were born, and all of those carefully laid plans fell apart.

Suffice it to say that your first year has been NOTHING like what I thought.  But suffice it to say that it has been infinitely more wonderful, terrifying, fun, sweet, and beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

Dallas, you are the most amazing person I have ever met, and it is my greatest blessing to be your Mommy.

Thank you for being so patient with me, and rewarding me with a smile that lights up the whole neighborhood every time I come into the room.  Can you please always stay this happy to see me? 

I promise you that this year Mommy will be with you more.  I promise to laugh more and stress less.  I promise to play more and work less.  And I promise to make lots more forts with your special lion blanket where we can hide out from the world, just the two of us, while you giggle.

Dallas, in your short life you have taught me so much.  You are kind to everyone, and you really know how to slow down, be in the moment, and enjoy life.  I love how you can look under the same pillow 50 times, and be delighted every single time you do it.  You have taught me to really laugh from my belly, and to not take myself so seriously.  Especially when I have sweet potatoes in my hair or peas all over my pants. 




I admire your courage so much!  This past year, I've seen you try so many new things, whether it was rolling over or sitting up or taking those first wobbly steps, and stick with whatever it was you were trying to master,  falling down again and again, but then getting up again and again and again.  You inspire me!

You have shown this same courage with all of the health challenges you have faced.  You maybe be only 19 pounds, but your heart and your spirit are ginormous.  You have been so much braver than Mommy!  Do you know that many, many kind people all over the world have been praying for you?  Mommy's prayer is that, as you grow, you would come to know and love a God who is watching over you even now.

Dallas, I feel blessed that, through all the hard times this past year, I have truly realized that all that matters is love.  All that matters is how we care for our family, our friends, and the people around us.  Thank you for teaching me to stick close to the people that I love, and helping me grow up in a way that would have been impossible without you.  I am so blessed to have finally gotten it through my thick skull that these days right now are the sweetest days, and to be enjoying every moment with my precious baby.

I love you to the moon and back, Dally-boo!  Happy Birthday!

Mommy

Lyrics from "The Sweetest Days"
You and I in this moment
Holding the night so close
Hanging on, still unbroken
While outside the thunder rolls
Listen now, you can hear our heartbeat
Warm against life's bitter cold
These are the days
The sweetest days we'll know

102.6

Baby Dallas finished his first round with I.V.I.G. on Wednesday morning.

By yesterday afternoon, we saw our first smile in a week.  You'll have to excuse the snot and dried apple cinnamon oatmeal on his face in this pic, but I was so excited that I just grabbed my phone and took a pic.

His temp stayed low all day yesterday, and this morning (Thursday), we were literally signing the papers to go home when I thought he felt a little warm.

"Maybe let's check his temp one last time," I said.

102.6

As we unpacked everything and I tried not to let the baby see my tears, I took a deep breath and thought of all your kind words, encouragement, prayers, and the personal stories you have shared, and realized that I can get through this.   However long "this" lasts.

I also realized that this is an opportunity for me to live out what I tell you every day.  To be able to see (and choose to see, even when we don't feel it) that God has a plan, and that He is always in control.  I heard someone say today that when we are in a storm, it's not so much about the storm as how we set our sail that determines where we end up.

I love that.

So, you will hear me on The Fish tomorrow.  I'm going to take a few hours break from the hospital (my mom-in-law flew in from Texas to help), and I promise I won't cry on the air or bring everyone down.  I want to encourage you, and show that, even though I've had my share of shaking-my-fist-at-the-sky moments over these past 10 days, I am choosing hope.  I am choosing joy.  I am choosing ThanksLIVING (I wrote about that in a previous blog).

So, here's the latest Baby D update:  A pair of (gulp) infectious disease specialists met with us tonight, and they are ordering more tests to see if there might be something instead of/in addition to Kawasaki disease. Although, since he responded so well to the I.V.I.G., they are thinking that's what he's got, and that it might just require another dose to really knock it out.  They started the second round a few hours ago, and after it finishes will observe him for another 24 hours to see if his temp stays normal.  

I rocked him to sleep a little while ago, singing "Jesus Loves Me" while kissing those little rosebud lips and smoothing his curls behind his ear.  You know, after he was first born, all I wanted was for life to go back to "normal."  Now, I can't imagine a day without my little bugaboo.

I'm going to wrap this up--they're drawing more blood while my husband and mom-in-law hold Dallas down in the room next door, and I want to be ready for him when he comes back in.

Here's something my mom just emailed, and I pray that it blesses you.  "In tough times, we don't have to know why.  We just have to know Him."

Here's to knowing Him.  :-)

Paging Dr. Bear

I wanted to give you a quick update on what's happening, and just thank you a million times over for your kindness and prayers for me, Dj, and Baby Dallas.

Dallas's fever was close to 104 again this morning,  and his bloodwork was starting to look worse, so the docs decided to go ahead and start treating him for Kawasaki disease.  The news was delivered by a doc that my husband has named McDreamy.

"Wow!  Look at that hair!" he said as McD left.

The staff here has just been wonderful, btw. Thank you for praying for guidance for the folks treating our little guy.  One of the nurses brought him a little stuffed bear dressed in scrubs, and Dallas has been clinging to him.

The treatment for Kawasaki is I.V.I.G.  (again, please excuse my spelling and lack of knowledge of medical stuff) for 12 hours, along with high doses of aspirin.  We are almost six hours in now, and Dallas is whimpering a little less, cooling off a bit, and actually said "Dada" for the first time in days.  It looks like his fever is down to 101 now.

Praise God!

You know, I took a break from all of this today for a moment, and the first two songs I heard on The Fish were Praise You In This Storm and How He Loves.  Thank you, Lord, for the reminder that you are good, you have not turned away from Dallas,  and oh, how you love us.

One of my sweet friends spent years in and out of the hospital with her daughter, and she told me today that one thing that really helped her was sharing her faith and comforting other parents that were going through the same thing.

So I want to ask you if you would do something for me.

Once things calm down over here, would you send anyone that you know in a similar situation my way?

I would love to pray for them and encourage them.

Just a week into this whole thing, I am also  realizing how much time I have spent on work and just being "crazy busy," almost wearing that as a badge of honor.

It hasn't taken much to convince me, really convince me, that I never want to look back one day and feel like I could have spent more time with the people I love, but chose not to.

As the guys in Revive sing in the song Blink:  "When it's all said and done, no one remembers how far we have run.  The only thing that matters, is how we have loved."

I'm going to look for ways to simplify my life, and pray that, if you are longing for more time with those you love, that God would make a way for that to happen.

I've been reading the Bible on my phone here at the hospital (Biblegateway.com is a wonderful site), and also reading Mary Beth Chapman's (wife of Steven Curtis) beautiful book, Choosing To See.  There are some incredible quotes in there that I"ll be sharing with you over the next few days, and I wanted to start with this one from Philip Yancy:  "A person who lives in faith must proceed on incomplete evidence, trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse."

And one day we really will see the whole picture, and understand the things that are on our hearts tonight.

I love you, and I"ll be in touch soon.