6.21.2010
OLD HABITS DIE HARD
Romans 7
15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
My mom is in town visiting us (and by us, I mean she came only for Baby Dallas, lol), so my hubby and I snuck out to see a movie on Father's Day. We were in the first row of the bleacher seating, and there were two older ladies out by themselves sitting in the two handicapped seats on each side of the floor area in front of us. One gal was having trouble with the arm rest, so we helped her ease it down, and the other gal had her walker parked right next to her. When she whipped out a big bag of popcorn that she had brought from home, I started crying. We were at an action movie, so I got some strange looks, although the movie was so bad that I could have wept over that. Why were they alone on Father's Day? Were their husbands dead? Where were their kids? Had they moved away and stopped visiting or even calling? Was she not able to afford movie popcorn? Granted, it is 20 bux a bag, but still.
And I wondered why I can scream at my husband, snap at my mom, and get frustrated with my baby for pulling my hair for the twentieth time, yet ten minutes later feel like my heart will break when I see a stranger shuffling into a lobby, or sitting alone at a bus stop.
I think this passage from Romans says it all. I do not understand what I do. Do you ever feel that way? You have the best of intentions, but when something rubs you the wrong way, you instantly have a less-than-gracious response. I think the answer is also in this passage: It is sin living in me. It is my nature. That thought terrifies me. Not to be graphic, but you know how in movies about aliens there is usually one that ends up inside someone, and they end up screaming something like, "Get it out! Get it out!" That's how I feel. Usually, the guy with the alien in his tummy doesn't meet a pretty ending. For us, when it comes to getting rid of this sinful nature, thanks to what Christ has done, and only because of what Christ has done, there is hope.
One of the books that changed my life is The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard (Yes, he is one reason we named our son Dallas). He talks about how just trying to be better or kinder or more loving or more patient is not going to work, because sin is our default setting. We have to literally train ourselves (using spiritual disciplines) to bring ourselves to a place where grace is our natural reaction, no matter what happens.
I realized something else yesterday. In the craziness that is the life of this working mom, sleep and reading my Bible have been the first two things to go.
I'm not sure how to get more sleep at this point, unless you can let me know of a way to sleep in the shower or while on the radio. Actually, I did fall asleep once under the desk when I was on the air about ten years ago, but thankfully the computer just kept the music playing, and no one ever knew. I think the listeners just enjoyed the fact that there was more music. :-)
I have got to get myself back into God's Word, however. I notice that I am a different person when I am spending time with Him, and really letting his Truth sink into my soul.
You know what I've found myself doing? Reading lots of books about the Bible. I think it was Johnny Cash who said something like, "You know, the Bible really sheds a lot of light on all those commentaries." :-)
Maybe you're like me, and you have a hard time carving out a few minutes of peace and quiet in the midst of chaos. The tv or radio is blaring, the kids are yelling, your spouse is talking to you, and your email inbox is full. Taking a few moments to be still before the Lord almost starts to seem like something you don't have time for, right? You tell yourself that you'll listen to a Biblical teaching program, or read a devotional written by a pastor in that overflowing email inbox. Isn't that a good way to be fed? Besides, the cat just threw up again, and you've got to clean that up before you throw the laundry in, brush your hair (if you're lucky), scrub the dried egg off the stove, find the baby's other sock, locate the extra diapers, and head to work. Oops! You forgot to gas up the car. Looks like you will be late once again.
If we wait to have time to be still, it is never going to happen.
I want to invite you to join me in reading the entire Bible. I'm going to start at the beginning, literally, with "In the beginning." July 1st will be Genesis 1, July 2nd will be Genesis 2, etc. One chapter a day.
Full Disclosure: I did get ONE book about the Bible that I"m going to read as I do this. It's called "What The Bible Is All About" by Henrietta Mears, and it goes book by book and digs deeper into the Bible and kind of ties everything together in a way that looks exciting.
Old habits die hard, but they do die. :-)
