I"m the kind of person that can be a little.....shall we say....controlling!!!Whether it's how I come across when I meet new people, or acting like I have it all together at church, or keeping the house clean, control used to be my middle name. Note the use of the past tense there.
Then, the hurricane hit. It came in the form of an 8 pound, 6 ounce miracle named Dallas, who turned my world upside down.
Let's back up a few months.
Our house is done in minimalist style. The moment I saw a tuft of cat hair float by, like a tumbleweed, I had the Swiffer out.
If my husband dropped crumbs on the counter, I was right there with a sponge before he could even get the sandwich to his mouth.
So when it came time to buy baby gear, I thought that we would get by with a crib, a few onesies, and a modest stack of diapers and wipes.
My dad insisted on sending a baby swing. I complained that it took up too much room, and besides--the baby would be sleeping peacefully in the crib all day and night.
I went to Babies R Us and bought a few bibs. You know, just in case I might need them one day. "Don't forget your splat mat!" the nice gal that worked there called out as I walked away from the aisle with all the feeding stuff. "It goes under the high chair to catch all the food the baby will drop. Babies get food everywhere."
"Oh, we won't be needing that. Our style is minimalist, and all the baby gear doesn't match what we already have," I replied.
I thought that having a baby would like adopting a puppy. I would be busier, and it might be a tad messy, but basically, life would be the same.
Cut to November 19th, the day we came home from the hospital with Dallas.
"Get to Babies R Us NOW!" I screamed at my husband, as I handed him a 3 page list of baby gear and tried to calm a hysterical baby that got even more hysterical every time I tried to put him down. "And when is your mother coming?! Tomorrow? Can she come sooner?! Wait, don't leave me alone with him!!! Have you set up the swing yet?! Where is the breast pump?! What are all these tubes?! You have to have a special bra for it? I DON'T HAVE THE SPECIAL BRA!!!!!!"
I think the postpartum depression hit that day. I think I will blog about this in another post, as you don't hear much about it, but just about every mom I"ve talked to has whispered that she has gone through it.
I struggled for months and months, and I am so sad that I wasted those precious early days frantically looking online and calling friends, trying to find something--anything--that would make life easier, or the way it used to be.
I loved my son from the moment I met him, but I was woefully underprepared for what it meant to take care of a newborn. And for a career gal who had spent 20 years living at a frantic pace and solving problems left and right...well, here was a "problem" that would not be handled.
Dallas wouldn't eat.
He wouldn't sleep.
He cried nonstop.
And so did I.
I had read all the books and taken the classes. Why couldn't I make this baby do what I wanted him to do?
I went from feeling like I had everything right where I wanted it to be, to someone who could barely get out of bed.
And now, looking back, I am so glad that I finally realized that I was not in control, I had never been in control, and I will never be in control.
I remember one night at 2 a.m. (I think Dallas was about 8 weeks old) when I let out a wail. And I just surrendered. I prayed that God would bring me through this, and I cried out that I could not do one thing on my own. I asked for forgiveness for my attitude, and begged for strength.
I would like to say that the next day, everything was great. But, just like when I got saved, life changed gradually. I started to find time to shower. Dallas started to sleep a little more, and he really liked his swing (thank you for insisting on that, Dad!). I came back to work and started to learn how to balance mommyhood and a job. But I had changed on the inside.
I don't care how I come across anymore. I'm very open about my flaws, because I'm just too tired to pretend that I"ve got my act together. Nor do I want anyone else to feel that they are the only one struggling. I just want to live a genuine, authentic life that reflects the love of Christ. And I realize (finally) that everything that is happening is being allowed by God for the purpose of growing me. And that life is more fun when you are willing to get a little messy. Like, dip your hands in the sweet potatoes and rice cereal and smear it all over the high chair and in your face and hair and ears messy. Maybe even turn the bowl upside down and wave it around and spray food all over the walls and floor messy.
Thank goodness I went back and got that splat mat. :-)
Dallas, thank you for making my life a glorious mess. Mommy loves you to the moon and back.
Are YOU ready to let your walls down? Check out the new Tenth Avenue North song, Healing Begins. I hope it blesses you and speaks to you like it did to me.
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
