One of my mom friends was telling me about her mommy group.
"All those women do is complain about their husbands not helping. I don't get it. I mean, my hubby unloads the dishwasher and makes the bed and takes the baby on the weekend so I can sleep in a few extra hours. When I talk about that at the group, all those women just look at me!"
I looked at her.
If you are a mom, do you struggle with not feeling appreciated?
Before I had Dallas, I used to wonder what the big deal was.
What do you want? I thought. A medal for taking care of a kid? How hard could it be?
I'm sure it's moments like that that make God smile, since He knows exactly what's coming.
I"ve gotten a lot of emails from moms who write anonymously, and pour out their pain of feeling like they are all alone and ready to drop from exhaustion, and that their husbands just don't get it.
My meltdown came one Friday morning while my hubby was getting ready to go away for the weekend to a party for a friend who was getting married. He was playing with Dallas (who was almost 3 months at the time), while I raced around to throw the laundry in, prepare for my show, and kind of get things started for the day before he left. As I was scooping the kitty litter, Dj told me to hurry up because he needed to leave. Mid-scoop, I just lost it and started to cry and scream about how he would never understand what it would ever be like to be a working mom and the primary caregiver for our baby, and how nice it must be to play with the baby before and after work and for a few hours on the weekend and just do whatever one pleased. Oh, and did he realize he had been stepping over a laundry basket for TWO DAYS without thinking of asking if he could carry it downstairs for me? And how about those socks stuffed into the corners of the couch? And .)WHY did he insist on throwing Dallas's dirty diapers on the FLOOR instead of in the diaper genie ("Because it makes him laugh?" Dj offered.)? But have FUN snowboarding with the guys this weekend and playing video games...I"ll just be here scooping the cat litter in the sweatsuit I slept in while the baby screams. Buh-bye!
Dj wisely removed the scooper from my hand (I think he was afraid I was going to throw it at his head), and seemed genuinely surprised at my outburst. He felt that he had changed his life dramatically since Dallas arrived, listing off how he turned down invitations to go hang out with the guys "a few times a week," and was only working out three days a week now instead of seven.
"AAARRRGGHHHHH!!!!!" I screamed. "I haven't worked out since NOVEMBER!!! You will never get it!"
I think we still act out some version of this, even five months later. Yes, we have learned to balance things a little better, and he has learned to ask how he can help me (although I still find socks dangling from faucets) more often.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this in the comments, but it seems to me that the parent who is primarily with the child will always feel that they are doing way too much, while the parent who is working will always feel like they are going above and beyond what they need to do to help you. But I think that is the difference right there--when Dj does something to take care of the baby, it almost feels like he is doing me a favor. On the flip side, taking care of the baby is my life. I can't make a move or a decision without considering how if affects Dallas. It is all-consuming and nonstop.
And please hear my heart on this! If my hubby got to work from home and be with Dallas all day, I would be so insanely jealous that THAT would not be a good scenario, either. I'm very grateful to have the set up that I do, it's just that I feel overwhelmed about 98% of the time. The other 2% of the time that I"m feeling confident is usually followed by a studio crash where the internet goes out or a message from my hubby that he will be going on the road again.
Maybe you're like me, and you don't want to let anyone down. Kids. Spouse. Work. Friends. And what about quiet time with God and church and volunteering? I am a classic Type A personality, and I am just now starting to realize that I can't do it all, even though I have a cool baby carrier that allows me to hold the baby and have my hands free. I remember that someone once said, "You CAN have it all. Just not at the same time." :-)
So, what has to go? That's what I will be deciding over the next few months. I talked about simplicity in an earlier post, and how much I crave it. Maybe you will join me in taking these next few months to pray and decide the most important things in your life, and to let the rest of it go, and never look back.
If I can give myself some breathing room (and you give yourself some, too), maybe it won't matter so much when the hubby goes snowboarding with the guys for the weekend.
I feel like I"m a little all over the place with this post, but I just want you to know that if you are struggling you are not alone. I know that I have felt like the only mom who doesn't know what she's doing (I asked a good friend whose baby was born the day after Dallas if she was scared and tired and confused, and she said, "No, this just all comes really naturally. Did I tell you that she's been sleeping through the night since the day we came home? This is a peaceful time."), so my promise to YOU is that I will always be honest about what a mess I am. :-) And if I somehow figure out some kind of secret for getting my act together, I will blog about it. :-)
I want to leave you with a sweet story my mom told me about my nephew, who is five and named Fox.
My sister works, and her husband stays home with Fox. They've been doing this since he was born, and it works really well for them. They are both wonderful parents, and Fox is just precious.
He just graduated from kindergarten, and at the graduation ceremony they were asking all the kids what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Most of the kids gave the usual answers: fireman, doctor, singing astronaut.
However, when Fox got up there, he looked around at everyone and proudly announced that when he grew up, he was going to be a stay-at-home dad. :-)
