What happens when things don't turn out the way you planned?
I've been accused of being a little controlling in my life.
But, seriously, just because I always need to know what's going to happen so I can make a plan, and just because I have lists directing me to which to-do lists I should look at first every day, it doesn't mean I have control issues.
:-)
The same way that Butterfly Kisses brought me to an ugly cry a few weeks ago, In My Arms by Plumb sent me into heaving sobs yesterday (the lyrics are at the end of this post).
I listened to this song probably every day during my pregnancy, but honestly, it's been hard for me to listen to any of that music from that time until recently. I remember how hopeful and excited I was, and then how devastated I was in my new role as a mom.
You see, when I was pregnant, I knew exactly how life would be once Baby Dallas arrived. I knew what time I would work, what Dallas would be doing while I was working, how we would all be sleeping through the night right away, and how easy it would be to breastfeed.
:-)
I"ve talked about the chaos of those early months in some earlier posts, but let me just say here that NOTHING went the way that I planned. A few words:
Depression. Colic. Crying. Breastfeeding problems. Travelling husband. Work/Computer problems. No sleep. No family nearby. No help from friends.
There was a commercial that ran between Thanksgiving and Christmas, when Dallas was brand-new, that I will try to reenact for you here:
(A new mom, with dewey skin and sparkly eyes and a clean nightgown, blissfully rocking a chubby six-month-old baby masquerading as a newborn. Dad appears and turns on the Christmas tree lights. The tree is huge and flawlessly decorated.)
Mom: What are you doing up? It's 2 a.m.!
Dad: I couldn't wait. It's her first Christmas.
(Dad whips out a box containing a piece of jewelry for mom. Closeup of Mom's extremely dewy skin and surprised expression that her husband has given her bling at 2 a.m.)
Dad, now holding the still-quiet "newborn": You think she'll remember her first Christmas?
Mom, gently resting a hand on Dad's shoulder and showing off her bling: I know I will.
Jingle: Every kiss begins with _______!
And scene!
This always ran during football, when I was planted in my spot on the couch (we have a permanent groove in our couch from the DAYS I spent there trying to calm Dallas) and covered in spit-up, when I was neither dewy nor sporting bling.
I would scream and throw a pillow at the tv, going "This is why new moms feel disappointed! Because we think we are having a baby with the qualities of a six-month-old...that can at least hold their head up....and that everything will be in soft-focus, our husband will get up with us to hold the baby and help us, and people will give us jewelry!!!!"
And scene.
Sometimes, it takes us losing control and losing everything we thought we could count on for God to become real to us. Maybe we don't realize that we need God until God is all we have. And ultimately, we will come through the valleys in our life stronger for being broken.
What is God doing in your life right now?
Have you lost the job that was your identity?
The home that you spent all of your money on?
Maybe you are facing a health challenge that has forced you to slow down?
Know that you are not alone.
I heard someone saying recently that God not only knows our name, but He will never forget it.
He knows what's happening, and He has allowed it because He truly does know better than we do. There is a divine plan at work that we aren't able to see, or at least we can't see all of it. But someday, we will know the whole story. And I think we will be grateful that we weren't the ones in control.
I can now see that if things had gone the way I wanted, and I had a quiet baby that was just content to sit there and smile, I would have left him there, sitting and smiling, while I got back to "normal" life. You know, checking email every five minutes, running around to different events, texting like a madwoman, and basically going 500 miles per hour every day.
Instead, I've basically been wearing Dallas for eight months, and we are now so incredibly close. I can truly say I have been BLESSED with a high-needs baby.
:-)
Whether you are juggling an insane amount of work and feeling out of control, or maybe you just had a baby and are feeling out of control, I want to encourage you to wait on the Lord, and to trust that He has something greater in store for you than anything you could imagine right now.
In My Arms by Plumb (grab a kleenex, paper towel, or beach towel to mop up the tears)
Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your Curly Que's
Your contagious smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Story books
Are full of fairy-tales
Of kings and queens
And the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see
The truth for lies
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
Cause you are never all alone
Cause I will always
Always love you
Hey I
Hey I
Will love
